The Dirty Dinner
by cakeiton
Summary: Miroku throws a perverted dinner party for his friends, and one unexpected taiyoukai guest.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything Inuyasha

sadly, i don't own anything Sir Mix-a-lot does either lol

...

A small electronic lit up and started vibrating wildly against the tile of the counter, alerting an incoming call. When it was ignored after the first round, it emitted sounds designated by the owner to further grab his attention…

_I_ _LIKE… BIG… Butts and I cannot lie, You otha brothas can't deny! When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, and a round thing in your face you get..._

"Hello?" Miroku smirked through the greeting over his cell phone as the sounds of his kitchen filled the background.

"Hey, Miroku, it's me" a young, gruff voice answered. "Listen, something kinda came up…"

"Ah, Inuyasha, you are not able to join us tonight? I know a certain quiet raven-haired beauty that will miss your presence."

The violet eyed host was very wise and knew how to get others to do his bidding through his gentle mannerisms, so when Inuyasha paused, Miroku knew he had the hanyou in his control. "… Kikyo will be there?"

Miroku' smile widened. "Why, Kagome-sama and her dearest sister decided to extend the invitation to their cousin for you."

"… Damn, alright I'll be there, but can I bring someone with me?"

"How uncouth, Inuyasha," he scolded, trying to keep his ridiculous grin out of his tone, "flaunting another woman in front of Kikyo. Though… if you can get them to cooperate together…"

"Not like that, you hentai! My brother is in town."

Miroku paused, stopping his ministrations on the sauce simmering slowly in preparations for the dinner he had planned for weeks. "The one you lovingly call 'Frigid Furball'?"

"Yeup, that's him."

Silence.

"He won't cause problems, I swear," Inuyasha promised. "If anything, he'll stay completely out of the way."

Miroku sounded genuinely concerned. "You don't think he'd get… offended?"

"Keh, the bastard has NO sense of humor, but I don't think whatever you had planned can affect him."

Miroku looked around to the assortment of preparations chosen especially TO affect people through their innuendos and when he gave no protest, Inuyasha chose to hear what he wanted. "Great! Thanks, we'll be there after I pick him up."

The phone went dead as his silver-haired hanyou friend hung up his end. Miroku desired a truly interesting evening, and it looks like he was going to get more than he bargained for…


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything Inuyasha.

Yes, all these things mentioned are real. The drinks… not the youkai… ;] Regardless, I own none of them.

...

"Shots!"

Kagome giggled at the kitsune's enthusiasm. He was the youngest in the group, but once introduced Shippou constantly had her smiling. They had bonded quickly he became more like a little brother than a friend. True to such a relationship and his own fox nature, the young youkai was always finding ways to get her into some sort of trouble.

"Don't get too excited, Shippou," Miroku advised in friendly tones, "You want to make sure you last all night."

Sango and Kagome grabbed seats at their host's home bar, blushing at his innuendo as Miroku took his place behind it. The elder of the sisters scoffed and pushed her long chestnut hair over her shoulder, scolding, "You're corrupting him."

Flashing a brilliant smile reserved strictly for making Sango melt, he defended himself. "My Sango, it is not him I wish to corrupt." His victory was written in her blush and Kagome couldn't help the start of giggles.

With a dismissive wave of a clawed hand, the fox directed the conversation back. "Drinks now. Shameless, unadulterated flirting later."

Sango's hands went to her cheeks and Kagome laughed harder. Kikyo, though apprehensive about going anywhere near her cousins' well spoken -but obviously lecherous- friend, neared the girls as they sat comfortably on the stools. Miroku was handing them a card which apparently had the drink list prepared especially for this night, and Kikyo thought that maybe the thick, heavy mahogany bar was enough of a barrier between her and those calculating hands of his. As she approached Sango's unoccupied left to take the empty stool, violet eyes graced up to catch hers and danced heavy with mirth; as if he lived to make women think about sex as much as he did.

"Ah, Kikyo-sama. So glad you… came. Here, name your desire and I will not disappoint in filling it."

Maybe she wouldn't sit down after all, opting instead to glare at him coolly to express her disinterest.

Miroku sighed, taking a small step back in his enclosed space as a peace offering, then turned back to the ladies who he could always get a reaction out of. "So, what will it be then?"

Instead, Shippou spoke up. "Oi, Kagome, which one should I get?"

Hair so black it gleamed navy started to shake under her giggles and Kagome met Sango's eyes, pointing at one drink on the list. All previous embarrassment disappeared with Sango's deep smile, and she started giggling as well. "Perfect!"

Shippou tensed with their increased laughter. As a prankster himself he could tell when the joke was on him.

"Barkeep!" Kagome teased. "Please make a drink worthy of representing my friend here."

He didn't need to see where she was pointing; Miroku prepared for that drink specifically for their fox companion. After clever, and quite showy, pouring and mixing, he placed the shot in front of Shippou and confidently announced. "For you, one Red-Headed Slut."

"Hey!"

Kikyo's eyes widened, but the other girls burst with giggles while his reddish-orange tail started swishing, silently demanding an apology as he stared down the hysterical siblings. Sobering slightly, Sango wipe her eyes and wore the most serious face she could manage. "Seriously, Shippou. You shouldn't hang out with Miroku too much. He's corrupting you." Kagome's renewed laughter over Miroku's playfully pained expression had Sango tearing up once again.

The most serious and quiet female of the bunch turned around to face the door. _Where was Inuyasha?_

Surprisingly enough, Shippou was having the same thought. _Where's Yasha-Baka?_ A prank or two on the hanyou would give him back his confidence.

"Sango's turn!" the younger sister announced energetically. Kagome had been nervous about tonight at first, but so far, it was just fun! Maybe not completely clean fun, but anything that got everyone together was a good time in her book.

Speaking of everyone. _Where is Inuyasha?_

"Hmmm…" Sango thought out loud, breaking off Kagome's musings. "I think I'm due for one of these." She pointed a manicured but unpainted nail at the list with her head high, trying not to be embarrassed by her own bravado.

Kagome glanced over her shoulder, grinning unabashedly at her choice. Honestly, she set herself up for this one. Making eye-contact with Shippou's once again smiling face told her he knew what was coming as well.

Miroku took a peek at her choice, than with silky words and smooth fingers he placed his hand over hers. "Why, my dearest Sango. If you wanted a Screaming Orgasm, you know all you needed to do was ask."

He didn't resist her hand slipping out from under his, but his eyes kept her trapped where she was. Unfortunately, he was so focused on keeping the contact that he didn't see her purse flying to his head.

With a loud thud, Miroku saw stars for a moment, but silently thought _Worth it._

Before Sango could verbally retort, the doorbell rang over Kikyo's exacerbated sighs, Kagome's laughter, and Shippou's snorts.

Rubbing at the lump forming on his head, Miroku winced more than was necessary and asked, "Shippou, if you could be so kind…"

"Yeah, yeah. I got it no problem." A wink in Kagome's direction had the kitsune off to retrieve their late hanyou friend, slightly surprised he waited at the door instead of bursting in.

"Okay, Kagome," he dutifully offered. "What liquid pleasure may I present you with?"

She was confident in her answer. Miroku will not best her tonight. He could make all the innuendos he wanted, none would make her blush.

"Sex on the Beach, please."

Along with a purely devious smirk, Miroku's brows almost hit his hairline. Leaning forward and reaching for her hands, he said, "Begging for it now, are we?"

Kagome didn't falter. "Make it the best you can, though I doubt you could fulfill my desire for a truly good… drink." She winked at Miroku's stunned expression while Sango quickly covered her own mouth to suppress her laughter.

With a playful shake of his head he got to work on the order and Sango got Kagome's attention. "Sex on the beach, really?" she asked, obviously not talking about a drink.

Nodding, she answered, "At night. Imagine…" Kagome closed her bright blue eyes to picture the scene perfectly. "Lying on a blanket on the sand; still hot from the long gone sun, a bright, crescent moon illuminating everything around you; the rocks looks porcelain, playing voyeur to the stars staring down, and the sea's silver waves crashing and rolling, back and forth…" Lost in her thoughts, Kagome didn't see Sango staring behind her, or feel the new demon presence until she asked, "Don't you agree?" Her sister's eyes were widened and the new aura was commanding. Kagome slowly turned around to see her best friend Inuyasha and to his right… a demon she's never seen before with porcelain skin, an ocean of silver hair and a brilliant crescent moon on his brow.

Worst of all, he was staring right at her.

With a small "Eep!" Kagome turned back away from the new, and obviously full inu demon, then mouthed silently to Miroku _Who is THAT!_

The host winced. With all the preparations he had forgotten to warn his friends of the unexpected guest. "Everyone," he started with all the charm in his arsenal, "This is Inuyasha's brother."

"Half-brother."

The whole room stilled under the weight of his baritone, then turned as he captured the eyes of everyone except Inuyasha.

"Right, sorry." Miroku cleared his throat and continued, composing himself quickly. "This is Inuyasha's HALF-brother… Se…" Ah crap, he had forgotten his name.

The hanyou started laughing. NO one forgot his egotistical relative's name, as if everyone was blessed with the knowledge of his identity when born.

Slowly and highly controlled, the newcomer turned towards Kagome again, freezing her with the intensity of his gaze. "Sesshoumaru. My name is Sesshoumaru."

It took all of her strength to break eye contact with the now known Sesshoumaru, and Kagome hid her blush in her black locks.

"Kikyou," the smooth words of the practiced womanizer cooed, breaking the tension, "Why don't you serve Inuyasha?" Miroku reached for different bottles while Sango nudged Kagome, not wanting to miss his newest concoction. Hopefully, it will bring her mind back to the party. Grabbing the Blue Curacao, Malibu, and random raspberry vodka, he mixed the beautiful, sweet blue drink together, than slid it down the counter towards the silent and apprehensive miko.

Sesshoumaru took a seat in the corner of the room as Inuyasha walked over to the commotion, standing closer to his reluctant love interest than usual. The syrupy drink's scent clung thickly to him, but he wouldn't turn down something offered by Kikyo. Maybe this was the perfect situation to advance their relationship past random, stolen kisses, and in anticipation he put his arm around her. Without breaking contact with her strong, brown eyes, the hanyou asked Miroku, "Keh, what's Kikyou gonna give me?"

A purely devilish grin swiped beautifully across the lecherous host as he responded. "Blue Balls!"

Stunned, Inuyasha caught his breath, then followed Kikyou's gaze down to the blue drink in her hands. A loud growl sounded warning to their bartender of the evening and in a quick moment Inuyasha was giving chase, cursing death threats over his prey's laughing as they tore through the house. Kikyou shot a death glare towards the hysterical, inebriated sisters who were holding each other up for support.

After a few minutes of loud laughter and crashing throughout the house, Inuyasha stopped running after revenge when Shippou tried to take his drink. Miroku, panting slightly, returned to his place behind the bar and, ever the gracious host, called out to the last person to be served. "Sesshoumaru, what drink may I pour you this evening?"

The inuyoukai was silent for a minute as he looked at the selection behind Miroku. With a quiet "Hn" that only those with demon blood heard, he stood up, seemingly towering over those around him, and started approaching the bar.

"This looks desirable." He walked up, ignoring those around him and the sense of personal space, and reached over Kagome's shoulder for the bottle of Irish scotch, his body so close he was almost in her lap. Catching the small raven haired women's eyes for the briefest of moments as his arm retreated with its prize Kagome couldn't help but notice two stripes traveling up his sleeve from his wrist. In the small moment her mind betrayed her to consider where else other stripes might lead… or cover. Turning her head to avoid revealing her embarrassment to his proximity and her own lecherous thoughts, her gaze caught the bottle of Sesshoumaru's desired beverage instead. Both Kagome and Sango gasped as they read label.

_Black Bush_

Sesshoumaru left the two women with only a hint of a smirk, than returned to his self-claimed spot in the corner to settle in and enjoy his drink.

The two sisters stared at each other for a moment, than with a quick shrug Sango returned to teasing Miroku. Something told Kagome, however, that she shouldn't brush it off that easily. Looking his way, she found he was still staring at her, unnoticed by the loud dinner guests. With yet another quick turn away from him followed by yet another small "Eep!" she closed her eyes and in one large gulp finished her drink. Shaking the melting ice within the glass to ..

...

i hope you are enjoying this absolutely ridiculous fanfic lol


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own anything Inuyasha.

This story was the most ridiculous thing...

...

The food was ready, which was a good thing as most of the guests had already consumed their fair share of alcohol… and then another fair share.

"I hope everyone still has their appetites," their host called out as everyone took their seats. Placing a covered serving dish down, he leaned inappropriately into Sango's space, capturing her eyes and said, "Especially you, Sango-dearest. I have a lot of pride in my dishes. I hope you can swallow it all."

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe his constant attempts created an immunity to his lewd charm, but the brown hair woman rolled her eyes while retorting, "I doubt anyone has had trouble."

Kagome and Shippou's laughs filled the room as Miroku once again faked a hurt expression, passing out plates on his route around the table. Coming to their last-minute guest Sesshoumaru, who placed himself at one head of the table, he started setting the white dish down when Miroku was stopped by the subtle waving of a clawed hand. "I ate prior."

The violet-eyed man looked confused to why someone would eat before going to a dinner party, but Shippou butted into the conversation by addressing the inuyoukai. "Ah, still haven't gotten used to human food, huh?"

Kagome felt a tingle run down her spine, and though she didn't hear their conversation she had a pretty good idea by catching his response as he stared at her dangerously. "I would not say that."

As soon as she could break the eye contact Kagome finished the rest of her drink in one gulp with a blush and greedily grabbed her sister's, who was busy threatening Miroku with a fork.

"So!" Shippou exclaimed, pretending he did not see their exchange. Reaching out towards the bread on the table he nodded towards Kikyo's direction, fully gaining her attention. The fox held one out to her, one eye winking and one fang gleaming in his mischief. "Kikyo, want to butter Inuyasha's… bread?"

As Sango giggled and skin heated from the alcohol, her cousin swiped the roll from the kit's hands and took a bite, glaring him down.

"Ah, Kikyo-sama," Miroku cooed while taking his seat. "I'm glad you are enjoying my buns."

While the main gigglers of the evening laughed, Inuyasha finally entered the room and stood over Kikyo protectively, signaling everyone to ease their teasing on his desired woman.

Still smiling, Sango leaned towards Kagome as the hanyou took his seat and whispered, "What's his problem?"

"Apparently," she answered back, "dogs get real testy when they want to get laid."

They laughed together and completely by accident Kagome caught sight of Sesshoumaru once again. His claws spoke of danger, his stern expression of composure, and his stripes traveled to places no modest woman would dare think about. Maybe she shouldn't drink anymore tonight. He looked like someone who was always testy…

"Hey," her sister's voice brought her back to reality, "where's my drink?"

Forgetting judgment, Kagome shrugged while taking another sip.

Miroku announced the feast on the table, winking shamelessly at his favorite recipient, before coming to the main course. Pulling the sterling silver cover off the plate in an overly expressive manner, he revealed a beautiful roast surrounded by obscenely rounded potatoes, complete with peppercorns to resemble nipples, and small carrots too phallic to be accidents.

"For your enjoyment, I have prepared a rump roast with a special sauce; Ceman." Shippou choked on his salad while Inuyasha stopped breathing and all three girls blushed. Surely he didn't… Miroku wouldn't go that far…

With his usual bright expression he innocently held up a small container with a bright label, clearly showing "Ceman. Special Turkish Sauce."

Sango threw her napkin at their host while the kit broke out into giggles. Though amusing, Kagome couldn't help but thinking it was a good thing Sesshoumaru had eaten beforehand: Inuyasha's older brother probably couldn't swallow a spoonful of Cemen without losing a part of his stoic mystique.

Throughout the evening there was more laughing, hysterics, tears, and more alcohol consumed then the actual food.

And finally, Kagome's favorite part; Dessert! Her head felt swimmy and her cheeks hot, but sweets always called out to her no matter the state of intoxication.

Walking in from the kitchen, Miroku once again has their next dish covered. He practically looked giddy from the lewdness of the evening and apparently this last one was to be the final joke on everyone. Once he had everyone's dazed attention he revealed a beautiful golden loaf and announced, "I give you a delicious sponge cake from England, Spotted Dick!"

There was laughter, of course, mostly from Inuyasha, but what took everyone's attention was Kagome's loud declaration. "_Spotted_ Dick? Pfst! I would prefer 'striped' myself…"

And the room went quiet.

She knew the blush was intense because the heat of her embarrassment engulfed her. On cue the whole party slowly turned their heads her direction, then simultaneously turned to Sesshoumaru, who had yet to react to anything over dinner.

Inuyasha's confusion became too much, so he turned in Kagome's direction to have her tell him it wasn't true; she did not just say that about his brother. "Ka-"

But when his voice broke the silence, she clumsily jumped up, knocking over her chair and staring straight at the floor. "I-…um. You see-… yeah. Car… Go… Thanks… Bye." Sango reached out, but her sister was gone towards the front door ina rush, hiding her blush behind her hands.

No one moved for a minute, but the first to was the last one anyone expected. Gracefully, Sesshoumaru stood up, placed his unused napkin on the table, and politely excused himself. Seeing the youkai's predatory smirk Inuyasha gritted his teeth and stood as well, his claws digging into the table as he eyes followed his brother, but his body couldn't seem to move.

Once the front door closed, the tension lessened and Shippou asked, "Shouldn't we tell him she's a miko?"

Again, there was silence until Inuyasha's shoulders relaxed. With a small nod he retook his seat, grabbed a fork and pierced the dessert directly. "Nah, you know how Kagome is with sweets." Another wave of confusion swept over the room until Inuyasha took a large bite of the cake and finished, "Spotted, striped, or slightly burned, she'd still eat it."

...

A/N: Thanks for reading!


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